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[Oct. 7th, 2006|10:56 pm] |
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I'm afraid. I don't want to have this feeling...but i can't help it. I don't want him to hate me. Or be mad at me. Or ignore me. Or leave me. But i can't stop myself from thinking that it's going to happen. Something will come up and i'll be left here. If the past repeats itself...at least this time i'm going to fight. I know that the love i have right now is much stronger than what i had then. That at least won't change. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|04:40 pm] |
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The same stuff keeps happening over and over again. I cannot stop it and it will not go away. It does not matter what I try to do, it will always be there, haunting my heart. I am losing sleep. I walk around aimlessly, waiting for something new to happen. It does not. I would have walked myself to death had it not been for those few times that I could crack a smile or laugh at something said around me. Most of the time I just sit there, crying inside, as these emotion will not show itself on my face. So here I sit, still aimless. Tears threaten the back of my eyes. The boring cloud that covers my heart constricts a little bit more each day. It does not matter what I try to do. I will always be here, waiting for something that might not happen. It is just a small hope that I carry in the back of my mind. Something or someone will come and rescue me from this solitude. Someone will restore the broken wings on my back and bring light to shed away the shadows hiding my emotions. Like it or not though, I have to sit here and familiarize myself with this loneliness. It w will not change anytime soon. This love that I have might be too fleeting to hold on to while I try to keep my balance while I walk, that endless path that winds this way and that. It is raining now, that cloud around my heart is crying for me. It is the only tears that my body is able to shed. Why can I not be normal and happy? Why do I have to wander this path over and over again until my feet bleed and my wings lose more and more feathers? Why can you not save me from this fate that I have seemingly fallen into? Someone. Anyone. |
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[Sep. 12th, 2006|08:50 pm] |
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I hate the person i am now. I've become such a weak minded person and i can not control my emotions at all. I used to be very good at hiding things and putting up that fake mask that always had a smile plastered on it. Now it just seems like it keeps getting harder and harder for me to even bring up a smile. I almost always have tears threatening to come out, they're always there at the back of my eyes. It's irritating. What i need the most i can;t have and the things that i could get if i just reached a little bit seem to be just out of my reach. I know i'm whining and angsting and beng emo and crap...but i'm not a happy person. I can't find the person i was in high school. All happy and...Tanis...it just doesn't seem to be a part of me anymore..if i had to describe it as anything i would have to say that I've become Leah...even though to me that's a very scary thought. I don't like being alone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|12:01 pm] |
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So lab was canceled today due to labor day...which is weird..but i'm not going to complain. World lit was somewhat boring. We basically only talked about the religious satires in Candide which led to a long lecture on the inquisition. I sat there trying to remember the song about the inquisition from history of the world. Gotta love Mel Brooks. So now i am bored because i don't have to sit around and wait for class. I should probably read. I'm on the last section of Shadowfall but usually i get about a chapter read and then i want to go find something else to do..which i basically have nothing. I should probably go to the store and get more food that i would eat since theres not much here that i would eat. That might be a good idea...I need to take Rachel with me so that she can help me find stuff that she's willing to cook and i'm willing to eat...well...okay so basically it'll have to be food for dinners for four and then food for me for lunch and stuff and those times when we don't have a 'family' meal. ^.^ |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|01:29 am] |
the dreams i've been having recently (aside from the ice eating sharks) have had something to do with nik. in one we were talking on the phone and he said he was going to sumeria and then when he got back we were going to get married...the other one...the one that i had today that made me really sad...Nik had left a message on my phone saying that we should break up and i shut down completely. I wouldn't answer his calls and i stopped getting on the internet all together. I stopped eating and would only drink water..and the only thing good that came of it was that i emmersed myself in my studies and had perfect grades. after four months of this Nik flew down here and joel drove him down here and my roommates let him in. He said that the message had been a joke and i would have known that if i had listened to his other messages and emails and whatnot. I was like a completely devoid shell. i had no emotions on my face throughout the whole conversation and i didn't even cry..when i woke up i felt so empty
::goes off and dies:: |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|06:46 pm] |
I've decided...finally...that I’m not going to get rid of this journal...instead I’m going to post in both of my journals...with the other one still being my main one...but this one will actually become more active than it has been lately...
Okay so...what to start off with...I'm seriously crazy in love and it's pissing me off...why you ask...because I’m the type of person who liked to be cuddled and hugged quite often...and I can't really get any of that when my boyfriend is on the other side of the united states....the things I have to put up with for love. But I brought it upon myself. I can’t really help the fact that I’ve been in love with one guy since tenth grade…wow…it seems like such a long time ago.
In other news…I miss my friends…and I don’t just mean that in the sense that I can’t see them that much because I’m all they way in the middle of no where college with everyone else in a different area…no I mean this more along the lines of what the hell happened over summer where I basically only had like…what..two friends? I guess I’m not really one to talk…but I’ve never been the type to call up people and say what the hell are you doing right now let get together…okay so I might have done that a couple of random times…but everyone was pretty much busy with other things…I can understand that…but not to the extent that you forget you’re friends…::points finger at self:: I’m also saying this for my own sake because I tend to be the same way…so please no yelling at me that I don’t do that either. I know what I do and I’m ashamed for it.
I’ve learned that my writing and drawing skills have almost reached the point of null. If it weren’t for Elly and our random rpg’s my writing would have become nothing and I would be bored out of my mind constantly…which I seem to be bored a lot but that’s besides the point.
My dreams make no sense (and apparently neither do my jumbled thoughts that I’m writing here). One of my dreams consisted of Nikolai saying he was going to Sumeria (don‘t ask)…and then sharks that only ate ice. The other one consisted of motorcycles in the rain and limos with spacious room…and apparently handcuffs.
I still have yet to decide if I want to come home this weekend or not. My mom has been cleaning my room apparently which I’m not sure if I should thank her or yell at her for going into my room…which she’s not really supposed to do.
BOOK TIME - I’m reading - Shadowfall by James Clemens…..OMG!!…‘nuff said.
Please send me mail…I posted my mailing address on my other account…I’m saddened when I do not receive things…please take the time to love me.
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|02:11 am] |
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wow...i still have yet to get rid of this one... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|05:13 pm] |
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BWHAHAHAhAHAHAHAhahcbahbsafikabj...Gomen...anyways...can you believe that i haven't deleted this thing yet....i can..it's because i'm too lazy |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|09:26 pm] |
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This journal is still not dead yet....And Kent is sitting over my shoulder....No Yaoi reading for me.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2005|03:06 pm] |
OMG its not dead yet..
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BOO |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|02:34 pm] |
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I hate it when people bring up past events that you had hoped had been pushed to the locked part in your brain...But no...People start talking about it and it brings all the memories back that you had wanted to rip out of your soul...Of course that would hurt because that would basically be ripping out almost all of my soul..anyways...PEOPLE THE PAST IS IN THE PAST LETS TRY TO KEEP IT THERE!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2005|10:55 pm] |
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAIN!!! ::hold foot and hops around:: |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2005|02:57 pm] |
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This journal is not dead...yet....but it MIGHT be on my list of things/people/whatevers to kill...which just seems to be growing larger and larger while my other two lists (people i like...and people i trust) seem to be getting smaller almost everyday. Well....anyways...If i don't trust you..you know..and if i do...you know...and you can probably guess what list you're on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2005|05:52 pm] |
Friends are who they are...and you love them for it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|07:35 pm] |
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I'M NOT DEAD YET!!! IT'S ONLY A FLESH WOUND!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2004|05:56 pm] |
Everyone. I have a new SN for LJ. Its _caged_alone_
Be sure to put me on your friends list. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2004|02:31 pm] |
I'm part of the manga force for Tokyopop so i have to promote things. Here's a link to a preview of an upcoming manga!
Princess Ai
It comes out next week. Be sure to take a look at it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|09:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | No Surrender -Weiß Kreuz (ON REPEAT....still) | ] |
Okay...um..i'm a bit out of it right now so i'll try to remember what i've been up to the last few days. Teus...i believe i went to see around the world in 80 days...then i spent the night at Christa's and watched Naruto and Witch Hunter Robin. Weds..didn't do anything productive. Thurs..went to see Stepford Wives with the queen of torture because she was leaving the next day for her vacation. Friday i went over to Stippy's and we played fatal frame 2 and finished it....i think i got only an hour of sleep...sat..nothing productive once again...Sun...nothing...today...i finished fatal frame 1 by myself..not too bad..the ending made me cry..just like the ending for the second one..anyways...ttyl |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|02:35 pm] |
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okay I'm a little bit more calm now because i talked to Christa and she's coming over..I just can't be alone right now...and of course my rents decide to leave me alone for four days...which isn't a good thing when your greatest fear is to be alone. I've often had dreams of being in a glass cage and i'm yelling out at the people that i can see but no one can see or hear me and i'm all alone...But lately my dreams have changed to mostly suicide or me getting injured by something...which isn't healthy i know....but i can't change what my dreams are...I wish i could...but i can't..it's not something i can control...I just hate feeling alone...If i've hurt people because of this fear..i had no intention of it...Especially Michael..i know that my feelings towards you have been less then friendly...but i didn't want the feeling i got when i looked at you together with Susan...and thats because of my fear...you can just forget it...i'm trying to stop my hostility towards you...but to do that i just need more time...And Susan...to you who has always been my sister..i'm sorry..it is my fault for holding you at arms length...i just had no other alternative...it was at a time when i had to put a wall around my heart and that encluded leaving everyone outside of it..i'm sorry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|02:00 pm] |
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i'm sorry....to everyone...i've hurt so many people just because of my own fear....i never meant to...i'm especially sorry to susan and michael..i just...well...i'm so sorry... |
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